When you were in grade school, middle school, high school, or even college, you probably had at least one teacher who said to you, “There is no such thing as a ‘dumb’ or ‘stupid’ question.” Yeah, okay. You keep believing that. The next time we hear you ask a co-worker, “So … what time is your 4:30pm doctor’s appointment?” we will just look the other way and pretend like we did just hear you ask such a not-so-bright question.
In the world of dating and relationships, men and women have been known for asking questions and/or expressing comments that are at minimum, rhetorical … and at maximum, does not serve any real purpose in helping a man or woman determine if they are going to be able to develop some degree of romantic and/or sexual chemistry between them … or not.
There is a saying: If you want better answers … ask better questions. Vague questions beget vague responses. Upfront, specific, straight-to-the-point questions tend to provoke upfront, specific, straight-to-the-point responses.
Here are five examples of questions (or comments) that each gender has been known to frequently say to a member of the opposite sex:
A. Men’s ‘dumb’ and/or vague questions to women
1) “Hey . . . I think you are attractive. Can I get your (phone) number?” or “Can I call you sometime?”
Comment: Many reading this article would assume this is an appropriate question for a man to ask a woman. No, it is not. Why not? Why would a woman be motivated to converse with you over-the-phone if she has no idea WHY you want to converse with her? Are you looking to offer her some form of employment? Are you looking to add yourself to her already long list of purely platonic friends? Are you looking to watch her favorite soap operas with her?
Generally speaking, you should never ask a woman for her phone number and/or offer to give a woman your phone number until you have given that woman a general idea of WHY you want to engage in a conversation with her. Do you want her to be your next long-term girlfriend? Do you want her to be your next “friends-with-benefits” partner? Do you want to simply enjoy a ‘one-night stand’ or ‘weekend fling’ with her? Even if you are undecided on the specific type of romantic and/or sexual relationship you want to engage in with a woman, you still should let that woman know something along the lines of, “Because I want to continue this conversation, it is my suggestion that we exchange phone numbers. I am extremely confident that you and I are going to develop and maintain a high degree of sexual chemistry with one another during our next two or three conversations.”
2) “Would you love to hang out sometime?”
Comment: What does it really mean to “hang out?” Hang out and do what?!? Examine the stars in the sky? Reminisce on your high school activities? Exchange information on your favorite meals that your grandmother prepared for you?
Arguably nothing is more vague and ambiguous than asking a woman to ‘hang out’ with you. Can you imagine if you were looking for employment, and a potential employer asked you, “Hey … would you love to hang out with me next week? Make sure and bring your résumé though . . .”
A much better question would be, “I think you are attractive and I would love to share your company in a romantic or sexual manner at some point in the near future. Are you single and available to share my company in such a manner in the near future?”
3) “I would love to have dinner with you and then catch a movie afterwards. Are you game?”
Comment: Are you interested in identifying what types of food this woman is interested in eating? Do you want to know what genres of feature-films she loves the best? Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.
No less than 90% of the time that a man asks a woman to have dinner with him, he really is not interested in discussing his favorite foods with a woman, or listening to her highlight her favorite meals. Same with invitations to movies.
The real reason why any man asks any woman to share his company is because he wants to see if there is any romantic and/or sexual chemistry between him and the woman. Period. Everything else a man discusses with a woman is merely representative of entertaining “fluff talk” and “small talk.”
4) “Do men approach you all the time and tell you how beautiful and sexy you are?” or “Are you a model?”
Comment: Talk about “cringe worthy.” What do you expect a woman to say? “Well, actually, most men let me know that they find me extremely unattractive and they usually add that I have virtually no sex appeal at all.” Duh.
Do not try to earn ‘brownie points’ by excessively flattering a woman’s ego. That is not a sexual turn-on to a woman at all. At best, that woman is going to add you to her list of “men who are ready and willing to flatter my ego when my self-esteem needs a boost.” At worst, she is going to display an insincere smile toward you and abruptly end the conversation and go about her way.
If you are going to compliment a woman, make sure that compliment is directly correlated to something you want to do with her. For example, instead of saying, “You have some beautiful lips…,” say, “I cannot wait to kiss you so that I can press my lips against those beautiful lips of yours.”
5) “Would you like me to buy you a drink?”
Comment: If this columnist had just one dollar for every time a man asked a woman this question at a bar, pub, restaurant or nightclub, he would retire a rich man. A man would almost be better off saying to a woman, “Can I get you to agree to consume this alcohol in the hope that it will lower your inhibitions and provide me with a significantly better chance of persuading you to have sex with me tonight?”
Reality check for men: The vast majority of women are going to accept ANYTHING YOU OFFER TO THEM FOR FREE THAT NORMALLY WOULD COST THEM MONEY. Get it? Got it? Good. Offering women “free stuff” is one of the least effective ways of attempting to create genuine romantic and/or sexual chemistry with a woman. Now if you are looking to attract women who are ‘gold digger’ types or financial favor-seeker types … then by all means, do what you do best.
B. Women’s ‘dumb’ and/or vague questions to men
1) “Are you just trying to get in my pants?”
Comment: Any woman who asks a man this question should be immediately drug-tested.
Of course any man who finds you physically attractive and sexually appealing is trying to get in your pants. Oh … you do not believe me? Okay, try saying one of these two things to the next man who approaches you on the street, at a bar or nightclub, or at a party or general social event:
Suggested comment #1: “I know you probably want to have sex with me … but I am committed to practicing celibacy until I get married.” (only those men who are looking to get married in the near future will keep conversing with you)
Suggested comment #2: “Even though you probably cannot tell by looking at me … I used to be a man. My transgender surgical procedure was practically flawless.” (start your stopwatch …. T-minus 5 … 4 … 3 … 2 … 1 … he is gone!)
Ladies, understand this: There is no such thing as a man who is “not looking for sex” from a woman. Get that out of your head. All men are looking for some type of romantic and/or sexual relationship with women. No man goes out looking to create a new purely platonic friendship with a woman of interest.
The question is not are they looking for sex … but rather, what type of sex are they looking for? Short-term? Long-term? Monogamous? Non-monogamous? Extremely kinky? Conventional? One-on-one? Group sex?
Any man who is single and heterosexual with a healthy penis is looking to have regular, semi-regular, or occasional sex with a woman.
2) “What do you think I am … a prostitute? A whore? A slut?”
Comment: Over half of the time that a man makes it specifically clear to a woman that he is looking for ‘immediate’ sexual companionship (i.e., short-term and/or non-monogamous ‘casual’ sex), a woman will typically respond with something along the lines of, “Do I have ‘slut’ tattooed on my forehead?”
Terms such as “whore” and “slut” are so highly subjective, they are really not worth discussing or debating. The truth of the matter is, very few men are going to tell you what they really think about you, your personality, your attitude, and your past sexual experiences until after they have sex with you … not before. Most men are going to be full of you-know-what regarding their true opinions and perceptions of you before they have sex with you. In other words, a man can say to you before having sex with you, “I have the utmost respect for you as a woman,” but after he has sex with you two or three times, he will tell his boys that you were nothing more than a ‘promiscuous slut.’ Even if you make most men wait three months, six months, nine months or longer for sex, there is still at least a 50% chance that the man is going to say something critical or negative about you to one or more of his friends. That is just a part of life.
3) “Well before we have sex … aren’t you going to take some time to get to know me first?”
Comment: No question or comment separates how women think from how men think than variations of this ridiculous question.
Reality check for women: Most men do not even need to know your first and/or last name before agreeing to have sex with you … let alone, anything else about your past, your personality, your goals and ambitions, your career, or your favorite foods or movies. Particularly if the man’s interest is a one-night stand, a weekend fling, or some other variation of short-term and/or non-monogamous ‘casual’ sex.
Men really only need to know three things about a woman before they have sex with her:
i) Does she have a history of being an obsessive ‘stalker’ type with men?
ii) Does she have a history of bad hygiene, body odors, and/or sexually transmitted diseases?
iii) Does she use any type of birth control pills or other methods to prevent an unwanted pregnancy?
Other than those three factors, the vast majority of men really do not need to ‘get to know a woman’ prior to having sex with her. Men are only interested in ‘getting to know a woman’ if they are looking at a woman as a future wife or a prospective long-term girlfriend / romantic companion. And even in those situations, men want to ‘get to know a woman’ more so for the time they will be spending with that woman not having sex more so than the time they will be spending with that woman having sex.
For example, men want to know if a woman has the moral character and patience to nurture and raise healthy, well-adjusted children if they have a desire to marry her and have children with her. In some cases, if a man’s interest is more casual, he might want to ‘get to know’ a woman to make sure that if he falls asleep, she will not steal money out of his wallet and then suddenly just ‘take off’ before he wakes up.
4) “I have to admit … you are seductive and charming. What you just whispered in my ear was a turn-on. I bet you say that to all of the girls though … don’t you?”
Comment: If you are a woman reading this article right now, you probably have to chuckle yourself at how many times you offered a variation of that comment and question to a man of interest.
Here’s the deal: If a man said one comment to a woman, and that comment directly resulted in a woman agreeing to perform oral sex on him and/or resulted in that woman agreeing to engage in intercourse with him, there is a 99.9999% chance that he is going to use that same creative, seductive, charming comment on one or more women after that. End of story.
Men always get asked, “I bet you say that to all of the women you approach … don’t you?” and the answer is a big fat YES. Unless you as a woman have some physical or non-physical characteristic that is truly “unique,” and no other woman can compare, nine times out of ten … a man has said everything he is saying to you to at least one other woman before you.
5) “Would you want some man saying to your mother, sister, or daughter what you just said to me?” or “Do you even respect women?”
Comment: Okay ladies … grab a pen or pencil and write this down: no man wants another man to look at his mother, sister, and/or daughter in a lustful way, unless that man has an engagement ring in his hand. Get it? Got it? Good.
Men are the absolutely biggest sexual hypocrites in the world when it comes to them wanting to have sex with women versus other men wanting to have sex with their female family members. So, bottom line, never ask a man who just proposed to you an invitation to provide him with a pleasurable, satisfying blowjob if he would want his mother, sister, or daughter to agree to give a man they just met a blowjob outside the context of marriage.
As far as the ‘respect’ issue goes, what does that even mean? If a man assumes you will engage in a one-night stand with him, does that mean that he automatically “does not respect you?” If a man assumes that you are a prude who will only have sex with a man who is your husband or long-term boyfriend, does that mean that he automatically “respects you?” The answer to both questions is “no.”
Many women men meet, they only want to engage in short-term non-monogamous sex with … while other women they meet, they want to engage in either long-term monogamous sex, long-term non-monogamous sex, or short-term monogamous sex with. No category of sex in a man’s mind is looked upon as “more respectful” or “less respectful.” Do you, as a woman reading this, look at fast food as “less respectful” than the food in your refrigerator? Do you think it is “respectful” to treat one man like a purely platonic friend while agreeing to have sex with his handsome co-worker or golfing buddy just 44-72 hours after you were introduced to him?
Quit using the “respect” vs. “disrespect” terminology to lay guilt trips on a man’s psyche. Most men could care less. If you are not interested in engaging in sexual relations with a man … just say, “I am not interested in having sex with you,” and end the conversation and keep it moving. No need for lengthy, judgmental statements to be expressed.
Well ladies and gents … that will do it for this article.
The next time you are engaged in a first-time conversation with a man or woman, be more conscious of the questions you ask as well as the comments you express. Again, try to stay away from questions that are rhetorical, vague, ambiguous, or just plain nonsensical and unproductive. Only ask questions and/or express comments that will determine if you and the person you are conversing with have the same romantic or sexual desires, interests, and intentions. Nothing more, nothing less.
By the way … do you read the articles written by this columnist because you love the advice he gives, and he always knows what he is talking about?
Okay. That was a really STUPID question.
Alan Roger Currie is the author of a number of books, including Mode One: Let the Women Know What You’re REALLY Thinking and Oooooh . . . Say it Again: Mastering the Fine Art of Verbal Seduction and Aural Sex. Currie’s latest eBook, The Possibility of Sex: How Naive and Lustful Men are Manipulated by Women Regularly is also available exclusively on Amazon.com in their Kindle format. You can also download a copy of Currie’s eBook on your iPhone, Android Smartphone, or other Smartphone. Starting with Monday, August 4, 2014, you might be eligible to download a FREE copy of the audiobook version of ‘Mode One’ on Audible.com. CLICK HERE for more details.
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