Halloween is that special time of year that is enjoyed as much by adults as it is by children. It gives adults the chance to act like childish buffoons and get away with their behavior being considered acceptable. It gives what we would consider a normal woman a chance to be slutty for a day without being called “whore” by other women. You know what I mean – slutty school teacher, slutty Ninja Turtle, slutty Ebola nurse, etc. That’s what men are thankful for at Thanksgiving actually.
As an adult, it’s all about the Halloween party. So, you’ve been at your office all day eating fun-sized Snickers dressed as bloody Mussolini. What do you do next? Of course you find a Halloween party to attend. Hopefully you’ll find one as well thought out musically as this one.
7:00 PM – All parties start out slow. Nobody wants to be the first person to attend, so it’s usually 3 or 4 people standing around awkwardly having some drinks and listening to “Monster Mash.” Those conversations will consist of things like “so how are things at work?” and “how about those ISIS dudes?”
7:45 PM – You probably feel like you’re going to puke if any more fun-sized peanut butter cups are put in front of you. But it’s about this time of the evening when more people start to flow into the party. Cobra Commander, Jules from “Pulp Fiction,” and slutty prom queen would be good additions at this point. The party host is trying to save the Rob Zombie for later and playing some current hits on Pandora. Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” is a given in this situation.
8:28 PM – Slutty nurse, slutty Oktoberfest girl, and slutty biker gang girl have now arrived with some douche nozzle dressed like a pimp and they are all like “oh my God you look so cute!” to each other. All of the first 4 guys to arrive want to kill the pimp guy because they want to be part of the slutty girl patrol that just entered. They stand back and talk amongst themselves. “Somebody’s Watching Me” by Rockwell creeps in as background noise. Chips and salsa are consumed.
9:12 PM – The time has come for Fireball shots. Who cares that it has been recalled for containing antifreeze. People love it. It’s inevitable at this time of the evening for a group of guys to come in wearing mullet wigs and Def Leppard sleeveless shirts. The shots begin to loosen up the small groups gathered on opposite ends of the party. Mingling commences as “Fancy” by Iggy Azalea pours through the ears of the party-goers.
9:14 PM – One of the people early to the party has offended slutty prom queen….drama quickly ensues. “I’m not that kind of girl! You don’t say that to me! No!” exclaims slutty prom queen while early guy #1 gesticulates as to say “what is your deal?”
9:15 PM – Slutty prom queen is out on the deck crying to her friends as if she doesn’t understand the sexual advance that just occurred.
10:10 PM – More people begin to arrive. Some guy dressed as a bottle of wine. A less-than heterosexual guy dressed as the girl from “Frozen.” Some brunette girl that just says she is Casey Anthony. Slutty Smurfette. Some guy covered in fur that nobody wants to ask what he is dressed as. And of course, a Jedi. Someone has now queued up Ray Parker Jr’s “Ghostbusters.”
10:11 PM – Guys in Def Leppard shirts are griping about the music.
10:16 PM – To make them shut up, Rob Zombie’s “Dragula” is played. The Def Leppard guys are now eating bite-sized 3 Musketeers and taking shots of whiskey. The general crowd of the party slowly just moves out of the way and leaves them to a corner.
10:40 PM – If women aren’t having fun, then the party is going to quickly die. So after passing around a tray of Jell-O shots, it’s an appropriate time to queue up the “Grease Megamix.” This will inevitably make slutty policewoman and slutty schoolgirl dance their hearts out.
11:00 PM – As people are dancing and having a good time nobody has really noticed Pete and Darla, dressed as Mickey and Minnie Mouse hanging out and looking miserable in the kitchen while quietly arguing about something. Every party has to have a token “unhappy couple.” They are instinctively ignored. However, opposite the kitchen Hello Kitty and some redneck guy walk in with bags full of liquor. A glass is broken in the distance.
11:08 PM – Everyone is annoyed because redneck guy won’t stop high-fiving everyone while simultaneously spilling Budweiser over them while doing do – not to mention the constant Kenny Chesney song requests.
11:09 PM – Slutty prom queen, who had calmed down from the earlier drama now sees the need to confront the redneck. As Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” erupts at a blaring volume, everyone can see slutty prom queen with her finger in redneck guy’s face. They can’t hear due to the music, but she is really letting him have it. He tries to high-five her. She storms away in dramatic tears.
11:34 PM – Darla has begun to get flirty with a guy dressed like a fireman. He isn’t particularly more attractive that Pete, but he’s a fireman. Dangling a fireman in front of a woman is like dangling a piece of KFC in front of a dog. Neither of them are going to ignore it. Pete begins to get angry. He quickly grabs a bottle of Smirnoff and turns it up. With the bottle still in his right hand, he wipes his mouth with his Mickey Mouse wrist. Then he slowly steps into the shadows by the refrigerator while enjoying Warren Zevon’s “Werewolves of London.”
12:00 AM – At the stroke of midnight, Pete has had enough. Fireman and Darla are getting a little too close for comfort. As he begins to take his stand, he is interrupted by a pimp puking in the kitchen sink.
12:07 AM – Pete polishes off the Smirnoff. Pete pukes up the sushi Darla insisted they eat before coming to the party.
12:22 AM – The first notes of Blue Oyster Cult’s “Don’t Fear the Reaper” electrifies not only the party, but also Pete – who incidentally also just blew chunks on his Mickey Mouse costume. Pete breaks the Smirnoff bottle over the kitchen counter, scurries by the Casey Anthony/Cobra Commander make-out session by the kitchen table, and quickly confronts the fireman, threatening him with the broken bottle.
12:23 AM – The redneck feels he should intervene and does. He coyly saunters over in between them and offers a high five to Pete and spills some Budweiser on him. Slutty prom queen enters the room and sees what is happening and now has decided that she wants to get involved. Blue Oyster Cult still fills the room.
12:24 AM – The redneck’s redneck friend who was running late because he got held up at a DUI checkpoint, which he ran from and ditched his car, enters the room with the fury of Thor’s hammer. The drama quickly ceases as everyone wants to see what the racket is. Both redneck guys embrace and give each other high fives. They quickly announce that redneck friend has brought a batch of homemade alcoholic mixtures in a cooler they are calling Pink Panty Pulldown.
12:25 AM – High five.
12:28 AM – While everyone is distracted by the cooler full of Pink Panty Pulldown, Pete has decided in his mind that the time to strike is now. The first few bars of Meghan Trainor’s “All About That Bass” have rang out. Girls are starting to dance again, and as if in slow motion with a low-growling roar, Pete finishes breaking the Smirnoff bottle over the fireman’s head with as much force and precision as a lion attacking an antelope. Darla, still fully decked out as Minnie Mouse, emits a horrified scream. Slutty Stay Puft Marshmallow Man comes over to help. Redneck 1 and Redneck 2 high five while singing “Friends in Low Places” trying to be louder than “All About That Bass.”
12:29 AM – Everyone in attendance has tried to subdue Pete, but he has kept fighting and taking swings at everyone in the room in perfect rhythmic time with “All about that bass, bout that bass – no treble.” Redneck 1 quickly sees this commotion and decides to take charge. As Pete is bumping his chest yelling “Get some!” redneck 1 simply grabs his neck and shoves his head in the cooler full of Pink Panty Pulldown, then holds him under.
12:30 AM – Redneck 1 pulls Pete back up out of the alcoholic abyss in the cooler. As Pink Panty Pulldown runs down his Mickey Mouse face, he is promptly offered a high five and a Budweiser.
12:44 AM – As the ambulance arrives to take the fireman away for stitches (with Darla in tow); the police are arriving for Pete. Elvis gives a statement. Ray Rice gives a statement. The guy dressed as a bunny covered in blood gives a statement. Richard Nixon gives a statement. Slutty Jihadist evens gives a statement.
1:11 AM – The party is back in full swing. “Monster Mash” gets played yet again. More candy is eaten. More shots are taken.
2:22 AM – As for slutty prom queen, she caught Chlamydia from some ripped dude named Todd wearing a really tight t-shirt and aviators that just happened to wander in and sweep her off her feet.
8:00 AM – All these characters are back at the office in dresses and ties, just as if nothing ever happened. Bring on New Year’s.