This is kind of embarrassing, but I need some good advice, and I like how you analyze things. I can’t talk about this to my mother, and I don’t want my friends to know either. Here goes:
The other night, my boyfriend and I were being intimate, and something frustrated him a lot. I was taking a long time to finish, which made him feel like he was failing.
If he’d sighed deeply or even just stopped what he was doing, that’d be understandable.
What he did instead was shout and grab the headboard of the bed and pull it straight down. He’s very strong, so the headboard broke. Fortunately it wasn’t a complete break, or it would’ve landed on my face.
From my perspective, I was just lying there (very close to finishing), and then I opened my eyes to my boyfriend suddenly becoming an avatar of rage, then I heard the headboard snapping over my head. Needless to say, I freaked out!
This isn’t the first time he’s broken or punched things in frustration. He’s broken a few cell phones after arguments with his mother, and also ripped light fixtures out of their wall sockets. Once in a heated argument he and I were having, he punched my bed rather hard.
It’s so weird that he does this… the rest of the time, he is the most patient and sympathetic person you’ll ever meet. He’s tender and kind 99.5% of the time. I admit, though….. that headboard incident has me scared.
I really don’t want to let just one incident taint my view of a man who saved me from a bad situation and who chose me over his family (who didn’t want him with someone of my religion).
Is this at all normal? Am I worrying too much?
Dear Kinda Scared:
You are dating a man with anger management issues. His violence is increasing, and as you noted, this latest incident is just that – the latest. Not the first, not the only. You acknowledge that in the beginning of the letter, then you turn around and say you “don’t want to let just one incident taint” your opinion of him.
Please do not feel that you must stay with a man who scares you out of a sense of twisted obligation or guilt. HE chose you over his family, that is not your responsibility. It’s not like he married you anyway, you’re just dating. Just like you started dating, you can stop.
My suggestion is that you put him on notice. Explain to him that his history of violent outbursts and damaging property and punching things is not cute and it is not something you are going to stand for. Tell him that you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who loses control, because one day he might think its okay to hit YOU and that is when he will have a serious problem with law enforcement and no girlfriend. You need to tell him that so he understands what is at stake and so he is fully aware of how you feel about his behavior.
He is already damaging your property, which is costing you money and is technically a crime (vandalism). So no, you are not worrying too much. You need to trust your instincts and handle this situation like an adult. I believe you are not as confused as you are pretending to be. I think you fully understand what is going on, you just don’t have the courage to follow through and get rid of him.
Not yet, which is why I suggested the interim step of putting him on notice.
When he violates the rules you have put in place (which he will because these types are used to getting away with acting stupid), get rid of him immediately. He has to understand that you mean what you say and that HE and he alone is responsible for the ending of your dating relationship.
When the time comes, move on from this violent man and don’t look back.