I rented Blair Witch Project the other night and I still can’t figure out what all the fuss was about. As another Halloween approaches I’m getting a little tired of this namby-pamby approach to my favorite gruesome holiday. What happened to classic Halloween movies like The Exorcist, Jason and who can forget Jamie Lee’s Breasts in Halloween? Gone is the color and festival-like atmosphere of Halloween past.
Halloween movies are supposed to scare the beejeebies out of you, so after careful review of thirty or forty horror classics I have come up with some safety tips all you ghosts and goblins should be aware of when venturing out on the darkest night of the year. Let’s get started.
When it appears the monster is dead, never go back to make sure.
When shaving Halloween morning, always check to see if apples are hidden in your razor blades.
It is not a good idea to read a book aloud summoning a demon back from the dead.
As a general rule, do not try solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
When running out of gas on a deserted highway, do not approach a deserted house looking for gas or a phone. It is deserted for a reason.
If your appliances start operating by themselves, call Two Men and a Truck and get the hell out of Dodge.
When fleeing from a monster, always plan on tripping at least two times. More if you are a teenage girl wearing spiked heels.
Beware of neighbors in the middle of the night operating power tools.
Finally, always make a few treats for your little ghosts for when they get home safe and sound.
Witches Bloody Fingers
1 Cup Butter, Softened
1 Cup Powdered Sugar
1 Tsp. Almond Extract
1 Tsp Vanilla Extract
2 ½ Cups Flour
1 Tsp. Baking Powder
Pinch o Salt
¾ Cup Whole Blanched Almonds
1 Tube Red Decorating Gel
Combine the butter, sugar, egg, almond extract, and vanilla extract in a mixing bowl. Beat together with an electric mixer; gradually add the flour, baking powder, and salt, continually beating; refrigerate 20 to 30 minutes.
Preheat oven to 325 degrees F (165 degrees C). Lightly grease baking sheets.
Remove dough from refrigerator in small amounts. Scoop 1 heaping teaspoon at a time onto a piece of waxed paper. Use the waxed paper to roll the dough into a thin finger-shaped cookie. Press one almond into one end of each cookie to give the appearance of a long fingernail. Squeeze cookie near the tip and again near the center of each to give the impression of knuckles. You can also cut into the dough with a sharp knife at the same points to help give a more finger-like appearance. Arrange the shaped cookies on the baking sheets.
Bake in the preheated oven until the cookies are slightly golden in color, 20 to 25 minutes.
Remove the almond from the end of each cookie; squeeze a small amount of red decorating gel into the cavity; replace the almond to cause the gel to ooze out around the tip of the cookie.
1 Cup Guacamole, scooped on a plate
1 Jar Cheez Whiz
Green Food Coloring
Red Food Coloring
Thin Pretzel Sticks
Add green food coloring to Cheez Whiz and microwave until melted.
Dip pretzel sticks in Cheez Whiz and stick in guacamole. Drizzle with red food coloring.
Happy Halloween everybody and stay sick group.