Ten Insane Predictions for Election Day 2014
The election season is coming into the final run, with all the primaries and caucuses decided and campaign tickets set. Showdown elections are looming in Florida, Georgia, Kansas, Hawaii and Wisconsin, and both parties are claiming they have the solution to the nations problems. Republicans are salivating at the chance to grab complete control of Congress, and Democrats are looking to upset the apple cart in state-level races the hopes of evening the odds.
Here are some ridiculously insane predictions for Election Day 2014.
10. In Georgia, Republican Senate Nominee David Perdue will announce he is quitting the race to join a group of businessmen peddling Ebola cures in Sierra Leone. “I am determined to prove I can be successful anywhere I go,” Perdue will insist. “So why not a backwards, third world, plague ravaged nation? What could go wrong?”
9. A massive election-day riot will break out in Sacramento after voters finally realize that almost 80 percent of all of California’s constitutional initiatives passed during the 1990s contradict each other. A radical group called “The California Libertarians” will demand President Obama launch an investigation into why it is that Californians keep voting for amendments which only make sense to those with Harvard Law degrees.
8. Within minutes of Florida voters passing the state’s first ever medical marijuana amendment, ten thousand glaucoma clinics will immediately spring up across the state offering “free exams” with every prescription filled. Officials will have to shut the clinics down when this reverse logic oversight is discovered by law enforcement in Palm Beach County.
7. The gubernatorial battle in Hawaii will take a surprise twist when Democratic nominee David Ige is implicated in an execution-for-hire plot involving five sharks, two mermaids, and Disney’s Stitch. Republican nominee Duke Aiona will declare the state to be “broken, but good.”
6. Texas Democratic gubernatorial nominee Wendy Davis will employ a creative attack ad in which she blasts Republican nominee Greg Abbott for eating at Burger King, thereby supporting a business which is moving out of America to avoid income taxes. Not to be outdone, Abbott will remind Davis that she didn’t sound too hot singing “All By Myself” on the campaign trail when they ran out of pretzel burgers.
5. Florida’s Republican governor, Rick Scott, will have to defend himself against accusations by Democratic challenge Charlie Crist that his recent attempts to be transparent are merely a campaign stunt. “I was a double-dealing, coat turning backstabber long before you ever made it look incompetent,” Crist will declare in a debate.
4. Desperate to make up a 20 point deficit, incumbent Pennsylvania Republican Tom Corbett will launch airstrikes on Ohio, New York, Massachusetts, and Canada. Pennsylvania’s budget issues will reduce the state’s Air National Guard to dropping envelopes containing a strongly worded warning that Eagles fans will soon arrive to pee all over the streets.
3. With the Alaska governor’s race a near dead heat, Republican incumbent Sean Parnell will challenge independent Bill Walker to a winner-take-all crab fishing challenge on Deadliest Catch. Unfortunately, Alaska voters won’t be given the results of the actual election until the series finale in mid-2015, which Time Bandit captain Jonathan Hillstrand claims the governor’s mansion for himself, and stuffs both candidates into a crab pot.
2. Colorado voters push through a surprise amendment requiring all residents to possess at least ten ounces of marijuana in their homes for recreational use, even if they never plan on touching the stuff. “We must spread the word of Cannabis to all unbelievers,” declares the militant group Hippies Without Borders. “And if turn Colorado into a giant fattie we must, then turn Colorado into a…hey, dude, where’s my Twinkie?”
1. In a stunning political shocker of biblical proportions, Georgia’s gubernatorial race will be determined to be, after five thousand recounts, a literal tie. Instead of a revote, nominees Jason Carter and Nathan Deal will be offered the chance to win the governor’s mansion by deciding who can identify Coke and Pepsi accurately in a blind taste test. The event will be televised on CNN, CNBC, NBC, CBS, ABC, OWN, and be branded “Tyler Perry’s Governor’s Showdown.”
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