As Usher Raymond once said, “These are my confessions.”
I confess. I missed a couple weeks of the show. Somehow that translated to me missing about 4 episodes. I’m not a mathematician, but I do know that they must have been showing double headers in order for me to miss more episodes than I did weeks.
While catching up, I incessantly felt like Lucy from I Love Lucy during the episode of her in the chocolate factory. It was similarly exhausting to try and keep up with these episodes. I felt like after I finished one episode, another one just kept coming. Also, I consumed a lot of chocolate during these viewings. And by “chocolate” I mean “wine.”
Luckily, in college I majored in bullet points and minored in sarcasm. Therefore, the last couple weeks summed up in bullet points:
- Andi wakes up after the first episode and now realizes that “it is actually real” and she is the Bachelorette. Yeah, the next mornings always tend to make things “real.” Just delete his number and pretend it never happened!
- 19 guys remain. ABC stocks the entire house only with fruit. It looks like someone robbed Chiquita Banana.
- ABC insists on making all women contestants drive in convertibles despite how much they hate that it messes with their hair.
- Andi and Eric go on the first date and I fall in love with both of them.
- There is a group date where the men “bare” it all and do a strip show. There are some things I can’t unsee. Like when you look at the sun, and it leaves your eyes burning and spotty minutes after.
- Craig is crazy. Or drunk. Investigation to follow.
- Opera singer feels the need to serenade Andi. This was to be expected.
- Affirmative. Craig is drunk. Craig is like that guy you avoid at a party. Or watch from a corner. He gets sent back to the house.
- Andi is like, “I really like Marcus” and I’m like “whhaaaaattt?”
- ABC must be going through budget cuts. They are traveling to Santa Barbara from LA and treating it as exotic.
- During the group date, they sing with Boyz II Men and sing America’s anthem, “I’ll Make Love to you.” I have recently seen Boyz II Men perform. And yes, they are still amazing.
- The opera singer takes this karaoke rendition of the song way too seriously.
- JJ takes his pantsapreneur very seriously. He goes on a one-on-one date with Andi and pretends to be old people together. I felt uncomfortable that I related very well to their 80 year old impressions.
- Guys get all upset over Andrew getting a phone number from some waitress.
- Bradley the opera singer gets kicked off and shares that he loves to love and loves to be loved.
- It may be concluded that these are a decent set of guys and seem pretty normal.
- Dillon goes on train ride and tells Andi his entire past. Andi cries.
- Group date playing basketball against WNBA players. I honestly did not know that the WNBA was still around.
- Brian makes a half court shot. Which is kind of insane when you think about it. He deserves several roses. And like $10,000. Or a Honda Civic. Or whatever people win at NBA games. Or WNBA games.
- Marcus rappels down a building with Andi. They speak of metaphors of love and fear and letting go. I’m just staring at the poor camera guy who has to go through just as much fear, but simultaneously video tape it all.
- So much food is wasted on dates. All they do is talk, no one ever eats.
- The remaining guys travel to Marseille.
- Chris Harrison and Andi have a superfluous conversation in a quaint cafe. I think with the sole purpose to show case Chris Harrison wearing a turtle neck.
- Josh claims he isn’t a stereotypical jock, but continues to recant his sporting career and make sports metaphors.
- Josh and Andi whisper their entire dinner. I need subtitles.
- The guys continue to have something against Andrew.
- The group date includes learning how to mime and performing for the people of France. (I’m sorry, France).
- None of the guys seem to know what miming is.
- Cody, the personal trainer (who has made it much further than I anticipated) redeems himself with this key phrase: “I got my mime on my money and my money on my mime.” That should be a bumper sticker for mimes. Insert excellent image of a mime driving and getting road rage.
- JJ takes Andi to a Ferris wheel to be alone. I don’t see the chemistry with them. Maybe because I’ve seen what their 80 year old future looks like. Maybe because he makes pants. Hard to tell.
- People start to hate on Nick.
- Nick writes a poem. It is difficult to decipher if Andi loves it or wants to gauge out her eardrum with a dull knife.
- Brian gets the last one-on-one date and is the most nervous cooker I have ever seen. He makes Ratatouille look like the Iron Chef.
Whew. I feel like that was almost as public service, as I just saved you 8 hours of television. There are finally a manageable number of guys left. Therefore, ABC can afford a mini trip to Venice. Apparently they make the boys take lie detector tests. Which, in my opinion should possibly be done before even coming onto the show.
ABC Staff Member: Are you here for the right reasons: to find true love and a wife?
Lie Detector: BUUUZZZZZZZ LIES! ERRONEOUS!
ABC Staff Member: Perfect. You’re hired.
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