One of the things about anger is it is not always loud, boisterous and violent. Sometimes it lies in wait, appearing to be someone of a laid back personality. Some people are not taught how to filter their anger. So it is allowed to fester until there is no more room to contain it within. The other thing is that as children or teenagers we don’t even see the rage growing inside of us. Some would say that’s because the acting out is so subtle in nature.
Sometimes it can look as elementary as perpetual or habitual lateness, frequent sighing, frequent disturbing or frightening dreams or even chronically stiff or sore neck or shoulder muscles. As we begin to grow up and become adults these issues can begin to seem somewhat normal to our daily living. But as a single person we may find that it’s easier to remove ourselves from certain stressors.
What do we do when we find ourselves married and in a situation that is just simply pouting and walking away is not the answer. Now we find that being able to compromise and negotiate to resolve issues is how couples get through life together. When in the debate of marital issues is not the time to find out that you don’t play well with others.
Is it that you’re feeling angry because you perceive that you are continually on trial to prove that your opinions and actions are correct? Being wrong is unthinkable and you will go to any length to demonstrate your rightness. Why do some wait until the lashing out of words or punches to say I am sorry? Should your anger have elevated to that level? What’s blaming your spouse for anger going to do for you? The root of the anger, most of the time, has nothing to with your spouse.
You don’t even notice the sarcasm, cynicism or flippancy in conversation. Or the boredom, apathy, and loss of interest in things you are usually enthusiastic about. We don’t notice, or blow off, the clenched jaws or grinding of the teeth especially while sleeping. Another issue that roots from anger, that couples fight about a lot, is procrastination in the completion of imposed tasks.
That is when the over-controlled monotone speaking voice presents itself; you feel the need to find the scariest tone in which to call your spouse those colorful names or find the lowest put-downs. Think about this, is all that anger and rage manifested by the fact that someone in your life had treated you that way? And in some sick way you’re getting back at them through the suffering of your current family. Is it your wonderful attitude that promotes or fuels your anger?
If attitudes are to guide actions, they must be readily accessible and appropriate to the intended behavior. Attitudes can be made accessible through deliberate thought, self-awareness, or frequent use, or if they are particularly relevant to a particular behavior; and they are more likely to guide behavior if people believe they have control over their behavior.
Does that mean that anger may not be the core issue and that it just could be your poor, entitled attitude that presents itself as anger…very well could be? What lies beneath? Well it just could be as simple as emotional immaturity. So there may not be anyone to blame. Some are just misguided through childhood and learn early that throwing a tantrum has a payoff. What is emotional maturity? Emotional maturity isn’t something that necessarily grows with chronological age, i.e. you don’t get more emotionally mature when you get older.
Some adults are very emotionally immature; some have never matured emotionally. Telling an emotionally immature person they’re immature will get an explosively immature reaction. Not a pretty sight. And it’s too bad. Emotional maturity is being responsible for one’s behaviors, both actions and words. Emotional maturity is NOT controlling one’s emotions. It’s controlling one’s behaviors and choosing to act in a way that doesn’t impulsively give in to reactive feelings or abusiveness.
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