Every couple fights. That’s what you’re told and that’s what you repeatedly tell yourself. But that’s not exactly true. Some couples argue a lot, but always work things out and are actually communicating effectively by getting everything out in the open. Some couples don’t fight at all and are perfectly happy. But when things have reached a level beyond just friendly bickering or valid arguing and progress to violence, you have to end it.
Hurt people hurt people. So it is not always fair to villainize the abuser. Someone who is abusive, oftentimes grew up in an abusive home where they either saw abuse between their parents or were actually abused themselves. It’s one of those things that you grow up saying you’ll never do, but end up repeating those behaviors anyway because unless you get help, you’re more likely to repeat what you saw growing up, even though you know it’s wrong. It’s really important to go to counseling and work through any childhood issues you may have. Thinking you can handle things on your own just because you’re able to cope is just not good enough. If you have some traumatic experiences from an abusive childhood, you really should work through those issues with a licensed professional.
If you are being abused, you really have to end it right away. It’s so stereotypical, but everyone always says “It just happened that one time” or “It was an accident”. But the truth is, if someone is capable of abusing you once, they are more than capable of doing it again and why would you take that chance? In the heat of the moment, you may get upset, you may leave and you say you’re not going to put up with that. But after a few apologies, you may start to think about forgiving your abuser. Afterall, you love them. They say they love you. And leaving is a lot of work. You already live together and your lives are already intertwined. It would be so much easier to just stick around and hope that things don’t get that bad again. You think, maybe the worst is over? Don’t take that chance.
You should never continue a relationship with someone who has hit you (or pushed your or shoved you or put their hands on you in any abusive way). Until they get professional help, they have not healed from whatever lead them to do that to you. And they cannot change. People can say they’ll change and things will be different, but they won’t. They can’t be! Unless you do the work, there is no magic pill to fix it. And it won’t get fixed overnight. For the safety of yourself and your family separate yourself from that person until they can truly do the work and get help.
Forgiveness is great, but forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to continue to be with them.
Violence is entirely too pervasive in the world today, but especially in the Black community. We have got to stop the violence! If you or someone you know needs help, click here.
What do you think? Is there ever a situation where it’s okay to stay with someone after they’ve abused you?
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Also read: Why you should never provoke a man.
©Tara Carr 2014, All rights reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced without prior written permission and consent from the author or Clarity Digital Group LLC, DBA yeahstub.com.